Ep. 17: Sid & the Buddha Don’t Do Yoga.
(Peace Is Every Other Step. Part 3 of 4.)
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The Man Who Woke up the Buddha is the story of a guy named Sid who wakes up from a stroke and realizes he's the Buddha, even though he knows almost nothing about Buddhism.
Previously: Sid, suddenly feeling abandoned by his Buddha nature, decided to try the meditation known as “peace is every step,”1 in order to entice himself to return. After a minor mishap, he ended up in a hardware store where he contemplated the uses of rope with a famous Inquisitor.
Sid stood on the corner next to the hardware store and waited patiently for the light to change. No way the Buddha would go against the light, he figured, even if there didn’t seem to be any oncoming traffic.
Depends on the vehicle, the Buddha thought.2 Elephants are good luck. Especially the white ones, he continued thinking, fondly remembering his first incarnation. To get run over by an elephant could help you reach enlightenment faster than you could say, “Oh no! I’m being run over by an elephant!!”
As Sid crossed, he decided to write to the Selectboard and suggest that they change the loudspeaker voice from “Walk Walk Walk Walk” to “Peace Peace Peace Peace.”
In order to practice what he intended to preach, Sid decided to give peace-is-every-step another try.
Not that his first attempt had ended all that badly. But he doubted Mr. Hanh had ever walked into a parking meter. Then, he had a brilliant idea! Instead of saying peace is every step, he’d feel it.
That was what he was probably supposed to do in the first place! Although when he thought it was what he was supposed to do it made him feel less peaceful. Maybe that was the 10th realization after the nap one. Or even the 2nd if it turned out that the original eight were already fully realized.
Once he got that “should” thing out of the way, it wasn’t all that hard. It was more just realizing he was peaceful than having to do anything special.
Now, you’re getting it, the Buddha thought.
Maybe that was the 11th realization, Sid realized. Or even the 3rd if it turned out that the original eight were fully realized.
That’s enough. Now you’re getting me confused, the Buddha thought.
Sid and the Buddha were immeasurably happy with their new realizations and the signs of peace around them. In a non-attached kind of way.
Some of those signs had been there for a century or more. Like on the building across the street. The weathered bronze plaque on the facade with raised letters spelling out “Amadeo d’Angelis.” Lover of Angels? Sid had never noticed that before.3
And on the roof of that building there was a row of peaceful pigeons—dozens of them—perfectly perched, evenly spaced side-by-side. Looking down an alley, he saw a graffiti of a big happy heart exploding with sunshine, another of a long banner that said, “hold tight to wonder,” and a mural of a rainbow sun coming up over a mountain.
And the names of the stores! Good Life…Common Ground…Twice Upon a Time…
Huh, the Buddha thought, there are reincarnation stores now?
“Plus, you can leave your vehicle in the Harmony Parking Lot!” Sid pointed out.4
Next, they noticed a bright pink graffiti that said, “Pure Joy! Pure Joy!” So he started experimenting with interspersing “Pure Joy” with “Peace. Peace.”
“Peace. Peace. Pure. Joy. Peace. Peace. Pure. Joy.”
Watch where you’re going! The Buddha thought.
“I better start watching where I’m…” Sid thought, as he tripped on the base of a sandwich signboard outside a narrow doorway that said, “Free Lunchtime Yoga. Room 103.” He fell against the board at an angle and brought it to the ground with him. A majestic—he couldn’t think of a better word—young woman rushed out to help him. “I am so sorry. I should have put it further out towards the curb! Are you OK?”
She helped Sid to his feet and looked at him with concern. He looked at her with a peaceful easy feeling. She reminded him of a girlfriend he’d had in college. She was majestic too. One day, when he was hitchhiking, this girl had walked up to him and said, “A girl can never hurt.” This fact surprised Sid because he knew this just wasn’t true. But, sure enough, the first car that drove by after she stuck out her thumb pulled over.
Opening the passenger door, she asked, “Room for my boyfriend?” A reasonable question since the back seat was covered with papers, books, gym bag, and take-out fast-food bags. But before the poor guy could respond, she said thoughtfully, “I’ll just sit on his lap, no problem.” She winked at Sid as she guided him to the seat, squiggled her majestic six-foot frame on top of his lap, took his hands and placed them decisively on her thighs, leaned her head back against his right shoulder, and said, “Let’s go!!”
Good story, the Buddha thought, but what happened to living in the NOW, if you don’t mind my asking.
Sid woke up from this brief past-life reverie to the fact that the yoga teacher was guiding him over to a bench. He was wondering whether she was going to make his present-life regression complete by sitting on his lap, but she just looked at him closely, “I doubt you have a concussion.”
“No, but I do have a hole in my head.”
She laughed…a deep throaty laugh. His 19-year-old self was irrevocably smitten and even the Buddha got a little frisson.
“I wonder if it’s OK for the Buddha to feel lustful,” Sid wondered.
I guess it is now, the Buddha thought.
“Really!” Sid took off his hat and tilted it towards her.
“Whoa!” she blurted. “You had brain surgery?”
“Yes. It was for my anaplastic ependymoma.”
“Oh…of all people to run into my sign. Did they get it all?”
“The anaplastic ependymoma?”
She laughed again, calling his bluff: “Fast growing cells, unusual shapes. It’s a tough one…Every med student knows that.” She winked.
He tried to wink back but his eyes were so wide open it ended up looking more like an aborted blink.
“How far along?” She asked kindly…he was already thinking about what good bedside manners she would have.
“Grade III,” he said smiling, hoping it was the right answer.
“Who’s your oncologist?”
“Dr. Georas.”
“Really? You got the cycling surgeon? He’s the best. Hey, why don’t you come to yoga? I’ve had several students with cancer and they’ve found it really calming and peaceful.”
Behind her, a steady stream of calm and peaceful looking sweatpants and Spandex tops with humans inside converged on the door from both directions. But in a rare moment of practicality, Sid decided he’d had enough stimulation for the day.
“Thanks so much. I’m pretty calm and peaceful right now. And this hole in my head makes me tired. Besides, I’m practicing peace-is-every-step,” he said proudly.
“You’re a Buddhist?”
“Actually, I am the Buddha…but it’s a fine point.”
“I should have realized that,” she said, slapping her forehead. “You look just like him! Well, I really have to go teach. You sure you don’t want to come? It’s free.”
“Maybe another time.”
She took Sid’s hands and looked him deeply in the eyes, “You’re sweet. I’m Daniella. It’s been a real blessing to have met you.”
Sid realized that there are very few things an older man likes less than having a beautiful woman tell him he’s sweet. That would be the 12th realization. Or the 4th.
So he looked her deeply in the eyes and said, “You’re sweet too. I’m the Buddha. It’s been a real blessing to have met you, too.”
Then, Daniella put her palms together, bowed slightly, and said, “Namasté.”
So, Sid put his palms together, bowed slightly, and said, “Namasté.”
The Buddha laughed. He doesn’t even know what it means.
“Hey Daniella, what does Namasté mean, anyway?
“Gee, I’d think the Buddha would know.” She answered, giving him a questioning look.
“Well, I’m kinda testing you.”
“Oh, of course. It basically means, ‘I bow to you.’”
“Why do people have to say what they are doing while they are doing it? Is it some kind of language class?”
Daniella laughed. “You are the Buddha!”
She leaned over and gave Sid a gentle kiss on the cheek, looked him deeply in the eyes one more time and turned to go into the class with a little wave over her back shoulder. As she walked through the door, Sid heard a voice call out, “Aloha ’Oe?”
“Aloha way?” Sid thought. Is that the street she lives on?
Ah, Lili have you decided to grace us with your presence? The Buddha said, realizing who’d really spoken.
“Is it time, dear Gautama?”
Not quite yet, Lili. You’ll know when it is. You’ve been very patient.
“Yes,” Lili said, her voice sad and sweet in equal measure, like a piece of candy that’s both sweet and salty. “Then, I shall wait. Paradise always awaits.”
I know, Lili. Aloha ‘Oe my friend. Farewell. ‘Til we we meet again.
“Farewell, Daniella!” Sid called out. “‘Til we’ll meet again.”
Sid was weary. He was ready to go home, eat a bunch of Leila’s5 therapeutic pot brownies, and take a long nap. He took out his phone to call Di, but then decided to give the peace-is-every-step thing one more try. He really liked how calm it made him feel.
Still, he was wary of bumping into too many things and that wariness made him a little uncomfortable. Was that discomfort suffering? Was it caused by his desire to experience peace is every step? It was, he had to admit, what his over-educated and overprivileged grandchildren would refer to as a first-world problem. He didn’t have to worry about having a roof over his head or food to eat or liquor to drink or brownies to get high on, so instead he was worried about his desire to experience peace is every step? The Buddha watched Sid’s brain flop around until he finally decided to put him out of his misery.
What got into you? The Buddha thought. You sound like your friend Marcus.
Sid laughed, realizing that this was exactly the kind of conundrum Marcus liked to worry himself psychotic over.
Then he had a really good idea. Maybe, the peace-is-every-step practice was just too hard, even for the Buddha. So he’d try every other step. That way he could do a better job of watching out for potential obstacles. Even better! He’d make each one a four count: Peace 2-3-4, Peace 2-3-4.
The new technique worked great! Sid had time to glance in the window of the clothing store. (He needed some new shirts since he’d been losing weight.) And the bike shop. (He really needed one with a little motor assist if he was going to keep up with Dr. Jay.) And the non-chain-store coffee shop. (He couldn’t resist their cinnamon scones.)
But after each glance, he’d return to the practice. Resisting going into those places did cause a little discomfort, but he thought of it as a peaceful kind of resistance. He was the f-ing Gandhi of non-violent resistance to scone cravings, he thought.
You really are out of your f-ing mind, Sid, the Buddha thought back admiringly, wondering when he had started swearing and surprised how liberating it was.
Since when did the Buddha start swearing? Sid thought. Must have been someone else.
Yup, wasn’t me, the Buddha claimed innocently. Realizing that the occasional lie was kind of liberating too, he added, I think it was you.
Sid was astonished. “The Buddha wouldn’t lie. I hope it’s not that Torq guy back.”
“It’s what we call your monkey mind,” someone else piped up.
“Monkey mind?” Sid stopped walking.
This new voice spoke with British politesse: “But, if you are going to understand peace is every step and war’s around every corner, it’s time to travel further into unknown territory.”
Sid had no idea who the guy was or what or where the territory was, but he put two and two together. “That’s where the monkeys are?”
“No. Nor turtles neither?”
“Turtles? No, nor, neither?” Sid thought. “Does that mean ‘yes’”?
“No, we shall explore the territory inside you.”
The Buddha smiled. Not bad for a stuffy Brit, he thought. Of course, he knows of but one kind of evolution.
Gee, Sid thought. First Torq, then those Bill of Rights guys, that Aloha ‘Oe person wherever that came from, and now some British explorer? He began to feel like he was running an Air BnB for people from the past. At this rate, some of them would have to sleep on couches…
Suddenly, Sid heard what sounded just like little monkeys chattering away. Just as he was starting to wonder if he was going to bump into something new, instead something really squirmy bumped into him…
Next Episode: The thrilling conclusion to Season 1 of The Man Who Woke up the Buddha, where we learn what just bumped into Sid, where to find dinosaurs, why it’s probably not a good idea to talk to strangers, and the esoteric wisdom of Raggedy Ann.
But don’t worry. Sid and the Buddha will be back with Season 2 in mid-July.
The meditation practice popularized by a Vietnamese Buddhist monk named Thich Nhat Hanh. As I mentioned, I always thought it was peace with every step. But the title is indeed Peace Is Every Step.
In Buddhism, “vehicles” are paths to enlightenment. To vastly oversimplify: Hinayana (a.k.a. Theravada) is a monastic path towards personal enlightenment; Mahayana, (a.k.a. the Bodhisattva path), is based on the compassionate commitment to help all beings reach enlightenment; and Vajrayana (a.k.a. Tantrayana) uses mantra, visualization, and tantric practices to reach personal enlightenment ASAP.
I always thought Amadeo d’Angelis must mean “lover of angels,” but it’s actually the name of an Italian immigrant shoe repairman who, in 1917, bought the building my office is in. Rumor has it that the bank across the street refused to lend him the money to buy it. So, when he got the loan from another bank, he had his name carved in the lintel just to stick it to the first bank. Not quite angelic, but karmically reasonable.
All these are actual names of stores that were or are in Brattleboro, Vermont. And, when you visit, you can still park in Harmony Parking Lot.
That’s Marcus’ wife if you’ve lost track.