Amazing Grace.

S4 Ep 5: The Man Who Woke up the Buddha.

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Season 1 Episode 1 • Table of Contents • Family Tree

Previously: After translating the buzzword-laden description of their economics class into something resembling the English language, Sid explained his business principles to Courtney and Sistah, which consist basically of flying by the seat of his pants.

“You studious little children staying for dinner?” Sid asked. Without waiting for an answer he led them upstairs and told Di he was going to order pizza. She said she’d already had ordered it and suggested, in jest, that they all go to the kitchen table and say Grace.

“You sit down, guys,” Sid said. “I have to remember the prayer I say before eating.”

Frankly, I’d just thank the food and dig in, the Buddha suggested.

Sid went to the living room and came back with his dog-eared copy of “Field Guide to Buddhism.” Handing it to Courtney, he asked her to read his prayer over food:

“First, seventy-two labors brought us this food; we should know how it comes to us.”

“Easy. That would be the pizza delivery guy,” Sid answered.

Ahem, and what were the seventy-two labors? the Buddha asked.

“Courtney, can you two research the seventy-two labors for extra credit?”

Sistah’s eyes lit up. “You mean the people who raised pigs and grew vegetables and made cheese? Court,” She continued enthusiastically, “We can interview butchers, bakers, and boxmakers!”

Sid gently interrupted. “What’s the second one, Courtney?”

“Second, as we receive this offering, we should consider whether our virtue and practice deserve it.”

“Consider it considered,” Sid said, realizing he better keep his answers short or they’d never get to eat.

“Next, Courtney?”

“Third, as we desire the natural order of mind to be free from clinging we must be free from greed.”

“I’m not greedy, I’m hungry,” Sid clarified.

Anything to say about the natural order of mind? Yours in particular? The Buddha asked.

“Plus,” Sistah came to the rescue: “All orders of mind are natural, naturally, because if they were unnatural they’d be naturally unnatural!”

Exactly, the Buddha thought approvingly.

“Exactly, Sistah,” Sid said. “Next?”

“Fourth, to support our life we take this food.”

“I’m not on life-support yet,” Sid said. “Let’s wrap it up, Courtney. The pizza should be here soon.”

“Last one,” Courtney said:

“Fifth, to attain our way, we take this food.”

“Maybe we better stick to saying grace,” Sid suggested.

Smart move, the Buddha agreed.

“Grace!” they said in unison, as the doorbell rang.

“Pizza’s here!” Sid deduced.

“PEE-zah!” Pāli cried out from his palatial aviary.

“Don’t give any to Pāli,” Di said, taking the boxes from the delivery kid. “Kesey” (a.k.a.Pāli’s real dad) “warned me he’s lactose intolerant.”

As Courtney, Di, and Sid got out plates and silverware and napkins and opened the pizza boxes, Sid noticed that Sistah’s head was still down.

“You can look up now, Sistah. Grace is over.” Sid said.

“What’s the matter, Sistah?” Di asked, as she opened the boxes and announced the varieties.

“Are they pizzas made with wheat flour?” Sistah asked tentatively.

Courtney started waving her hands to keep Di from answering, but it was too late. “Oh Sistah, are you gluten intolerant?”

Sistah put her fingers in her ears.

Courtney whispered that Sistah had no trouble eating “that stuff”, but the word made her tummy hurt. So did the words “masticate” and “head cheese.”

“Fortunately, it’s probably mozzarella and parmesan,” Sid said.

“Were any vegetables harmed in the making of this salad?” Sistah asked next, taking her fingers out of her ears but squinting like she might not like the answer.

“As long as you cut between the cells it doesn’t hurt them,” Courtney reassured her. “And I know for a fact, that this pizza place always uses very sharp knives,” she added, knowing the logic or lack thereof would appeal to her kinda-but-not-really twin sister.

“Besides carrots are usually reborn as trees which is more fun and has a much longer life expectancy,” Sid pointed out.

Good guess, the Buddha acknowledged. Besides, vegetables love to be eaten. That’s what they’re here for.

Once everyone was settled, Sistah raised her hand and waved it, as if hoping the teacher would call on her.

“Sistah, you have a question?” Sid asked in his most professorial tone.

“Yes, Grandpa Sid. How did you fly by the seat of your pants to make your first million?”

Sid took a large bite of pizza and began talking: “Wuh I tuh thuh thirddy-thou’n I may’ in hee’in oil fyoochers.”

Di sighed, “The Buddha instructs people not to talk with their mouths full.”

I don’t remember saying that, but I would have if any of my disciples behaved that way, the Buddha said. Any of those have lotus root or mushrooms on it?

Sid swallowed and repeated, “I took the thirty thousand I made trading heating oil futures and invested in real estate. The rental income was enough for us to live on but I got bored with that and started looking around for my next adventure.”

“Which involved,” Di said, “losing about half of it starting a gourmet coffee shop back when people thought a cappuccino was something Italians wore.”

“I like being ahead of my time,” Sid grinned.

That’s a delicate art the Buddha said. It doesn’t involve going into the future but letting it into you.

“Which means,” Sid said, “staying wide open. Anyway, one day…wait, I have to text Zoey…” Seconds later, he continued, “It was actually January 22, 1984, and I was watching Super Bowl VIII, between…give me another second…the Washington Redskins and Oakland Raiders in Tampa.”

“You mean the Washington Native Americans?” Sistah suggested.

“Actually, now they’re the Washington Commanders,” Sid explained.

Courtney laughed. “Doesn’t sound like that’s any more politically correct. Custer and Sheridan and all those other American generals who slaughtered them were considered commanders.”

“Good point,” Sid acknowledged. “But let’s save that discussion for dessert…So it was halftime and suddenly this white-haired woman warrior in red shorts and running shoes, wielding a no-nonsense sledge hammer…”

I didn’t know Boudica¹ did TV ads, the Buddha thought.

Sid got distracted trying to remember the name of that ancient British warrior queen whom he had never heard of, so Sistah picked up the story:

“That’s right, Big Sid! I remember now. Well, I don’t really remember ‘cause I wasn’t born yet but the warrior woman was being chased by four policemen as she hurled a sledgehammer towards a screen where a big scary guy was proclaiming, ‘We shall prevail,’ and then the screen shattered and I heard a voice I mean I didn’t hear it because I wasn’t there but I know it was all about the new Apple computer.”

“How did you know that Sistah?” Di asked.

“I like being ahead of my time too, just like Grandpa Sid, even when it’s in the past,” Sistah explained.

She is a genius. Maybe I’m actually in him to guide her. That happens sometimes. The Buddha found the thought comforting.

“And what was cool,” Sistah continued, “is that it really was 1984 and that was the book by George Orwell about back when they called the government Big Brother and he said crazy stuff like that ignorance is strength and how the more a society ignores the truth the more citizens will hate people who speak it and that if you control the present, you control the past and future and that was decades ago so Big Brother must control now which is why things are the way they are, and Apple was also kinda making fun of IBM but most people didn’t get that or that it was really about Atlantis and Lemuria.”

She stopped to take a breath.

Di paused with a piece of pepperoni pizza inches from her mouth.

Courtney paused with a piece of vegetarian pizza inches from her mouth.

Sid paused as a big glob of mozzarella started sliding down the piece he’d just taken.

“Sistah,” Di asked, “how in the world did you know all that?”

“I was wondering that myself,” Sistah said to no one’s surprise.

“Did you ever read 1984?” Di asked.

Sistah looked at Di quizzically as if she didn’t know what that had to do with anything.

Then Sid started talking as if he’d never stopped. “So, I started an Apple store and then another. By the early ‘90s I owned five of them. All staffed by college dropouts who knew way more about computers than anyone, including their friends who went to college. Don’t you kids want something to drink?” he non-sequitured.

“Dr. Pepper?” Sistah asked hopefully.

“DAAK!” Pāli cried.

“I’ll have one too,” Courtney said. “And I guess one for Pāli.”

“Better not,” Sistah said. “Parrots can’t burp.”

“How did…” Di started, but just shook her head. “Sid,” she continued, “you’re leaving out the most important part.”

“Of course,” he said, “I also decided…”

“Actually I told you,” Di said.

“To buy a few shares.”

“10,000 to be precise—because the price was only about ten cents a share,” Di added quickly before Sid texted Zoey.

“How much would that be worth now?” Courtney asked.

This time before Sid could answer, he was interrupted by his walking-talking-texting reference library herself appearing from upstairs, and proceeding to pick up a piece of cheese pizza and take a bite before answering. “Well, accounting for stock splits it would now be somewhere around 1.5 million. Depends if you reinvested the dividends, of course.”

“Zoey?” Di asked. “Have you been here the whole time?”

“Yuh,” she said, like it was obvious. “There was a copy of ‘War and Peace’ in my mom’s old bedroom and I couldn’t put it down.”

The whole of human history in one book? The Buddha was impressed.

“Do you still have that Apple stock?” Courtney asked.

“Some,” Di said. “But only because I managed to convince big spender here to put 10% of its value aside into a college fund each time one of you kids was born.”

“How did you even know you’d have grandchildren back then?” Sistah asked urgently.

“Oh they probably did multi-variable demographic fertility projection,” Zoey explained.

“Afraid we guessed, Zoey,” Di admitted.

“What about Accidental Alice’s daughter, Liza?” Courtney asked, referring to Sid’s never-seen-nor-heard granddaughter from his brief second marriage to Rachel who disappeared into a California commune after failing to find either peace or love with Sid.

“It’s waiting in a separate account,” Sid said with surprising seriousness.

Good, the Buddha said. You may dodge that karmic bullet after all.

Sistah began to look a little sad.

Di guessed right away.

“Sistah, I thought your college was paid for.”

“That’s what they tell me but it’s not the same as having you and Grandpa Sid pay.”

“We’ll take care of that ASAP,” Sid reassured her.

Sistah’s face broke into a huge grin. Then she raised her hand and waved it wildly again, “Who sang the national anthem at that game?”

“Barry Manilow,” Zoey answered.

There was a long pause.

“And what was the final score?” Courtney asked.

“38 to 9, Raiders,” Zoey said.

“I actually won a few hundred on the game,” Sid remembered.

“More importantly,” Di added, “we also made money selling those Apple stores. So all in all we made…”

“Probably between 2.5 and 3 million,” Zoey said.

“What do you think your next business will be, Grandpa?” Courtney asked.

Sid just gave her a loving look. They both knew he might not live long enough to start it.

All of a sudden there was a knock on the door and Marcus walked in.

“Hey, you’re not dead yet!” he said, giving Sid a high-five and reaching for the last piece of pepperoni pizza.

At that moment a lightbulb went off above Sid’s head.

“Wow,” Sistah said. She’d never seen a lightbulb appearing above anyone’s head. She wondered if it was a 60 or 80 watt.

Hope he sees the light, the Buddha thought.

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1. One of the great women warriors of all time, 25-year-old Boudica led a native British tribe in a successful (albeit briefly) revolt against the Romans around 60 AD. BTW: the woman in the Apple ad was an English athlete named Anya Major who was a competitive discus thrower.